


Words Fail

by smashleyed



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Jared's pov in third person, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, cursing, mutual pining perhaps? (eyes emoji), nonverbal Evan, ocs who are siblings of canon characters (very brief), panic attack (described from an external pov), self-deprecating thoughts, they don't get together but folks when i say fluff i mean a LOT of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 15:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11603286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smashleyed/pseuds/smashleyed
Summary: When Evan goes temporarily nonverbal after Jared helps him get through a panic attack, together they find a way for Jared to hear him.





	Words Fail

**Author's Note:**

> cw: panic attack (described from an external pov), self-deprecating thoughts, cursing
> 
> please enjoy!!

Jared can tell the moment Evan can see him again.

Evan is curled up on the floor of his bedroom, his knuckles white as he clutches the front of his shirt with shaking fingers. His face is deathly pale, except for a harshly contrasting patch on his cheek that’s been chafed red against the carpet. He’d shut his eyes tight when his panic attack started, but they’re open now, and he seems to have chosen Jared’s knee as a visual anchor.

Jared is kneeling a safe distance away in front of him, tense and watching Evan raptly as he counts four seconds to an inhale, four to an exhale, and repeat. His hands are itching to reach out for his friend, but he knows that’s the last thing Evan needs right now. Instead, he busies them with exaggerated motions to go with their breathing, like Heidi had taught him long ago. And thank God for her, because he can’t in a million years imagine how he could help Evan without instruction. Even as it is, it takes nearly all his focus to keep his expression neutral, but his nose still prickles and his eyes feel wet when he blinks.

 _Knock it off,_ he scolds himself as a sour memory creeps up unbidden. A couple of months after they’d reconciled at the end of the summer of their high school graduation, Jared bore witness to one of Evan’s panic attacks for the first time in almost two years. Not only was Jared hopelessly out of practice as far as helping Evan through an attack, but he was beyond shocked to see it, having naively assumed it just wasn’t something Evan dealt with anymore simply because Evan never brought it up. Throw in the fact that he was a few weeks into his freshman year at college and already felt completely out of his depth, and the result was Jared bursting into loud tears of fear and frustration at his general ineptitude.

Jared doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the image of Evan huddled against the wall, tremors rocking him as he pressed his hands to his ears so hard Jared thought he would pop, because of him. Not that he’d made it any better in his frantic attempts to amend the situation. _“Evan, I don’t know what the fuck to do, okay?! Just—Please just stop fucking crying!”_ Jared ended up calling Heidi, sobbing into the phone as he begged her for help. Nearly nineteen years old, he’d never felt more like a child. Afterward, Heidi was understanding, but Evan’s withdrawn silence spoke volumes.

Over the following week, Jared spent more time researching panic disorders than on the homework from all his classes combined, and pestered Heidi with questions more than he’d talked to his own mother in a month. He was determined to relearn everything Heidi had taught him when they were kids and understand it even more fully than he had before. Failing his friend again was out of the question.

“… out, two, three, four…” Jared murmurs in a practiced monotone, shoving his feelings back and watching Evan deflate as they exhale in unison. As he starts to count again, the moment he’s been waiting for falls over them bit by bit. Evan’s eyes slowly refocus and his mouth briefly clamps shut with a hard swallow. The crease in his brow lessens as his eyes travel upward to Jared’s hands, and after a few seconds his face softens, weary and mildly distressed but no longer pinched in terror. Jared feels the tension start to drain from his body. Evan is still shaking, but he’s emerged from the dark place his mind had trapped him in, and Jared knows he recognizes him. He just hopes Evan doesn’t notice the way Jared’s own hands are trembling, too.

“That’s it,” Jared says, breathy with relief. “You’re doing awesome, Evan. I’m right here, I’m right with you.” After a short pause, he thinks he can see Evan nod. “That’s great. Now keep breathing with me. In…” Evan’s breathing had stopped coming in short, labored bursts a few minutes ago, but he’d admitted to Jared once during a quiet moment that he finds the counting soothing even when he doesn’t necessarily need it. What little comfort Jared can offer him, he will happily provide in spades.

Eventually, Evan manages to pry his fingers away from his shirt, wincing as he tries to open his cramped hands. Jared lets his voice trail off as Evan sluggishly moves to fold his arms and rest his head on them. Evan initially flinches away from the contact with his scraped cheek, and so does Jared now that he’s gotten a good look at the damage, but Evan quickly seems to decide he’s too exhausted to care and lays his head back down. He stretches his legs out a bit to lay more comfortably on the floor and blinks blearily up at Jared. Jared would be melting if not for the circumstances.

“Hi, Ev.” A rather heavy sigh is his only response. Jared opens his mouth to check if questions are okay, then realizes that for Evan to rub his face even more red by nodding might not be the best course and reconsiders. “Uh… if you don’t wanna answer questions right now, flip me off.” Evans smiles, so small and tired that Jared’s heart aches, and gives him a peace sign instead. “Alright. How do you feel?”

Evan seems to tense for a moment, his eyes drifting away from Jared, and when he opens his mouth as if to answer, he shudders hard and clamps it shut again. At the pleading, nervous look Evan gives him, Jared hates himself just a little more. _Good going, dickhead._ “Nevermind man, we can come back to that later,” Jared says quickly, unwittingly mimicking Evan’s own gentle reassurances from when they would do homework together in middle school.

Satisfied when Evan relaxes, Jared starts to reposition himself, but stops short when Evan twitches, his eyes widening minutely. “I’m not leaving, I promise. I’m staying right here.” Evan nods carefully, but his eyes remain locked on Jared as Jared shuffles around to sit his butt on the floor. Jared gives him a hopeful smile. “We’re okay,” he says, inflecting it almost like a question. Evan sighs again.

They quietly watch each other for a while, Evan’s eyes flitting over Jared’s rumpled shirt, until Evan begins to move. His movements are slow and measured, as if he’s carefully planned them out ahead of time. He places his palms onto the floor and pushes himself up into a sitting position, his arms trembling with the effort. With his back against his bed, he pulls his knees up close to his chest. Jared watches Evan’s toes wiggle a bit inside his socks, then glances up to find Evan staring at him. His heart thumps _annoyingly_ hard in his chest a couple of times before Evan furrows his brows and looks away. Jared frowns, having seen that look on Evan and in the mirror more than enough times to know what Evan is thinking.

“Evan.” Evan glances over Jared’s knees before hesitantly looking him in the eyes. “Look, I don’t want you to feel bad. _Seriously,”_ he continues as Evan gives a little roll of his eyes, “it happens, dude. It’s not your fault. I just… I need you to get that.”

Evan huffs out a breath and opens his mouth as if to argue, but like before, nothing comes out. He seems determined to succeed this time, his eyes darting rapidly back and forth over the floor in front of him as if searching for the words he needs, until he brings a hand up and presses his knuckles harshly against his lips.

After a moment of staring and floundering to identify Evan’s struggle, Jared recognizes the problem with a start and hurries to correct it. “I-It’s okay, you don’t have to talk,” he tells him, leaning forward earnestly. Gradually, as if afraid Jared will change his mind, Evan looks back over at him. Jared gives a half smile that he hopes comes off as understanding and repeats more gently, “You don’t have to talk.” Nonverbal is the official term Heidi had told them when they were preteens, the first time Evan couldn’t speak for a while after a panic attack. Evan prefers to call it losing his voice.

Taking a moment to absorb this, Evan haltingly lowers his hand from his mouth and gives himself a little shake. His fingers move as if to begin picking at his ruined cuticles, then he visibly stiffens for a second before placing his hands flat on his knees. Jared carefully watches his hands and face before he tries, “I mean, God knows I talk enough for the both of us.” This pries a small, crooked smile out of Evan, and Jared finally feels like the floor beneath them is stable again.

He carefully scoots a bit closer to Evan, meeting the eyes that still hold no small amount of guilt. Slowly, he reaches his hands halfway toward Evan, whose eyes drop to them expectantly. “Do you want…” He trails off when Evan tenses up and emphatically shakes his head. Evan looks back up at him, his brows high on his forehead as if he was pleading with him, _please understand. It’s not you._

Jared works to smother the hurt pang in his chest, cursing himself for even feeling it. “That’s cool, not a problem.” Evan seems to buy the practiced nonchalance, but his eyes are still sad, almost wistful. _Yeah, right. Wishful thinking, much?_ “Could I,” he gestures at the space next to Evan, “sit with you for a bit?”

Evan nods, his wide, grateful eyes following Jared as Jared moves over to sit with his back against the bed as well, leaving a fair amount of space between them. Evan eyes this space for a moment before reaching his arms straight out in front of him and leaning forward for a stretch. He makes a little sound in his throat that is remarkably catlike. Jared watches from the corner of his eye with a smile, a familiar warmth blooming in his chest, before he gently clears his throat and pulls his knees up to mirror Evan.

“Want me to put on some music?” A thoughtful shake of the head. “TV?” Evan side-eyes Jared dubiously, clearly not having forgotten that their tastes in TV aren’t the most compatible. “Well, damn, Hansen. Picky, picky,” Jared chuckles good-naturedly as Evan shrugs his shoulders bashfully. “Then you can listen to me bullshit about… I dunno… my trip to the grocery store yesterday. Take it or leave it,” he says with an animated shrug. Nevermind the truth that he would have thought as long and hard as he had to, for them to settle on something that would please Evan.

He raises his eyebrows incredulously when Evan purses his lips and nods as if intrigued. “You _would,_ Evan.” His voice is fonder than he intended and his stomach drops a bit, but the soft grin he’s rewarded with is well worth it. “Okay. Uh… fuck, I swear there was someth—oh yeah! God,” he laughs and tips his head back for a moment. If he would happen to glance over, he would see Evan’s cheeks grow pink and his shoulders relax in contentment, but he doesn’t. “There were these kids who hijacked one of those fuckin’, uhhh, scooter-carts, right? I was in the cereal aisle, and they…”

Since one anecdote leads to another, as they do, and Evan likes to hear plenty of details so he can visualize everything, it’s twenty minutes later by the time Jared fully dissolves into laughter. He covers his eyes with his arm—he’d been unkindly told once that his eyes scrunch up kinda oddly when he laughs—pushing his glasses askew as his mirth slowly dies down. Evan had been quiet beside him through the whole thing, save for a few breathy peals of laughter, so Jared hadn’t noticed him scooting closer, but he certainly does when their shoulders brush. He’s not exactly startled, but it’s enough to bring him all the way down.

“Oh God,” he chuckles with a shake of his head, rubbing his eyes a bit. “That was so _stupid._ You miss _all_ the best shit!”

Evan doesn’t respond, verbally or otherwise. Another comfortably silent moment passes between them, then Evan gently knocks the side of his knee against Jared’s. Jared has moved his hand to rest on his own knee, and Evan’s hand is on his own, so Jared knows what he’s asking. Butterflies materialize in his gut in record time, but he only allows himself a small smile. “Go ahead, you big sap.”

Evan scoffs at him. Gingerly, as if Jared is a house of cards, Evan moves his hand to rest over Jared’s, and Jared has to force himself to breathe. Evan’s fingertip begins to trace over Jared’s knuckles as if it’s a habit— _breathe, motherfucker, breathe_ —but he stops with a twitch and instead settles his fingers in between Jared’s.

Though Jared has referred to him more than once as “like a PEZ dispenser, but with hugs,” when it comes to those who are close to him, Evan is only capable of much smaller gestures so soon after a panic attack, if any at all. This isn’t the first time he’s taken Jared’s hand in gratitude, but Jared isn’t sure that he’ll ever be able to fight the warmth that spreads through him to the tips of his toes when it happens. He isn’t sure that he’ll ever feel like he deserves it. He isn’t sure that there won’t come a day where Evan quits being so damn nice and realizes Jared isn’t worth the energy spent tolerating him. He _is_ sure that it’s really only a matter of time; Jared will run out of jokes and Evan will run out of patience and pity and—

Ever Jared’s unwitting savior, Evan distracts Jared from his quickly darkening thoughts by lifting his hand. _Should’ve enjoyed it while it lasted, idiot,_ Jared thinks, but Evan doesn’t pull away. Instead, his fingertip moves across the back of Jared’s hand in broad, purposeful strokes, and Jared has to suppress a shiver and attempt to focus on what Evan is doing with wide eyes. It only takes him a short moment after Evan’s hand comes back to rest on his own to piece it together.

T H X

Jared has to close his eyes, a soft smile on his face that he has unknowingly reserved for Evan. They have found a variety of unconventional ways to communicate when Evan loses his voice, but this is a first. He catches a fleeting thought that he would gladly let Evan write a novel on him with his fingertips if he wanted to.

_Gay! That’s fucking gay! I’m gay!_

Coughing as he feels his face grow warm, he opens his eyes to find Evan watching him expectantly, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Dude, you’re welcome. Anytime.” Evan visibly relaxes, giving no indication he’s heard Jared’s voice crack. Jared watches as he sits up a little, jaw working like it does when he’s weighing some options. Boy _howdy_ is Jared wondering what’s on Evan’s mind, but even the gentlest of prompting could throw him off his train of thought, so he doesn’t risk it. At length, and after several furtive glances in Jared’s direction, Evan reaches over with his other hand and taps Jared’s shoulder, then tips his head toward it before staring up at Jared with wide, searching eyes.

 _Fuck._ Jared inwardly gives himself a good shake. It can’t have been that long since Evan has leaned on his shoulder. Probably just a couple… years… Yeah, it’s definitely been since before that horrid rift opened between them in high school. He can’t imagine how much courage it must have taken Evan to even ask. _And whose fault is that,_ begins a doubtful voice in his head, but the softness in Evan’s eyes brings him back. 

Taking a moment to observe that he’d happily set his gaming rig on fire if Evan asked him to while looking at him this way, Jared swallows and nods, probably definitely longer than necessary. “Yeah, go for it. What else am I here for?” Evan raises an eyebrow at him before maneuvering around a little bit, then after a long moment of hesitation, his head is resting comfortably in the crook of Jared’s shoulder and Jared’s heart is casually trying to pound its way out of his ribcage. He remains still, but not too still, because he knows the moment Evan thinks something is wrong he’ll be across the room before Jared can blink. Apparently, he isn’t doing well enough, though, because he can feel that Evan is a little tense. He glances down at the head of dark blond hair beside him and asks, “You comfy?” He raises his eyebrows when Evan’s hand moves again.

Y E S

So comfy that he’s suddenly too good for nodding, apparently… not that Jared will complain. If not that, then, knowing Evan, he’s probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. Jared knows how to fix that. “I don’t smell, do I?” Jared can feel a little movement against his shoulder, and thinks—hopes—maybe it could be Evan’s face moving into a smile.

N O

“Really Ev, you don’t have to lie to me. I can take it.”

N O !

Biting back a warm chuckle, Jared continues seamlessly, “There’s nothing worse than a stinky pillow, I should know. Like when you would sleep over and drool onto my pillow cases when we were kids? Then they would smell like your sleep-breath til we washed them? Yeah, we learned to keep enough pillow cases for an army before long. Came in real handy for Halloween.” Even as he speaks, he feels his chest tighten, his mind frantically shushing him, _stop it, asshole, before you go too far—_

Warmth cascades over his shoulder as Evan laughs and pushes Jared’s knee with his own. Jared grins widely in relief and maybe a massive amount of adoration. He anticipates a pinch or a swat when Evan lifts his hand, but Evan has a more eloquent retaliation in mind.

D I C K

Jared bursts into surprised laughter, while Evan laughs more vocally, if a little hoarsely. They’re fine. They both seem to remember they’re _exhausted,_ actually. Evan has every right to be after what he just went through, Jared thinks. As for himself, he figures it can take a lot out of a person to be head over heels for their best friend. By the time their laughter peters out, Evan is boneless against him, Jared’s head is halfway rested atop Evan’s—just for a second before he remembers himself, anyway—and their fingers are tightly intertwined.

“God, Evan, you’re…” _Precious? Wonderful? Everything to me?_ “… so fucking funny sometimes. I am a great influence.” His only response is a sharp tsk. “Yeah, yeah.” Jared pauses thoughtfully, then Evan idly runs a fingertip over the edge of his fingernail and, with a soft but potent fluttering in his chest, he’s inspired to throw caution to the wind. “Uh, is it okay if I…” He kinda pokes Evan’s forehead with his chin, hoping that’s indicative enough. Evan is unresponsive for a moment, during which Jared holds his breath, but then he shifts a little bit and answers with steady fingers.

Y E S

“’Kay.” Feeling a bit like he might already be dreaming, he carefully settles his cheek against Evan’s hair, which is a little damp from sweating earlier and smells like… good. Something good. His thoughts are all too soft at the edges to pinpoint what. His eyelids are heavy as Evan gives a deep, content breath, and Jared is pretty sure he’s fallen a bit more today. He doesn’t quite stay awake long enough to feel the warm puffs of breath on his neck even out, but he figures that if Evan minds, he’ll find a way to reach him.

 

Jared goes home a while later, after making sure Evan has had something to eat and drink. Evan hasn’t spoken once since before his panic attack, but that’s okay. He walks Jared out with a shy but bright smile that Jared commits to memory, as he always does.

Not a half a minute after he steps through the front door of his home, his younger twin sisters poke their heads out of the kitchen with flour-covered hands and toothy grins that match insidiously.

“Did you tell _Evan_ we said hi?” Susanna asks, giving Evan’s name an exaggerated lovestruck inflection.

Jared narrows his eyes at them as he tosses his jacket into the closet. “Actually, I’m trying to make him forget you exist.”

As Susanna sticks her tongue out at him, Abigail barely misses a beat. “Are you guys boyfriends yet?”

“Brats,” Jared grumbles, giving an animated roll of his eyes and yelling over his shoulder as he hurries in the direction of his bedroom. “Remind me to kidnap you losers and bring you to PetCo to get fitted for muzzles!” Their warm laughter follows him up the stairs. His uncontrollable grin probably made the threat a little less intimidating than he’d like.

He flops onto his bed and immediately shoots off a text to Evan before he forgets, telling him he made it home alright. Then, letting his phone fall onto his pile of blankets, he rolls over to stare up at the ceiling.

“Fuck,” he laughs at himself, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes. His cheeks are sore from smiling so much. Giving a long, loud sigh, he scratches the back of his hand and swears to the heavens above that it still tingles with the memory of Evan Hansen’s fingertips ghosting across his skin.

And although he’d like to entertain the thought of a soft, half-asleep memory where Evan’s free hand slid neatly into the crook of Jared’s elbow, fitting like it belonged there, a feather-light kiss was pressed to his shoulder through his shirt, and three more letters were traced slowly, sleepily onto the back of his hand:

_I L Y_

... well, that just has to have been a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for taking the time to read and i hope you enjoyed!! ALSO thank you to my dear friend chloe for being the best beta i could have asked for!! i'm obsessed with kleinsen, deh, and the concept of all the kids being happy and healthy so expect more of that from me in the near future!! xoxo


End file.
